Saturday, December 5th, 2009
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9:28 pm - Writer's Block: The One that Got Away
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I'm not sure how I feel about this and it's weird, for the longest time I thought that maybe that everybody had a soulmate and that there were people destined to meet, and fall in love and in the cliche way, live happily ever after. Nowadays it may be my pessimistic side but I'm not sure if that it is all that realistic...I mean I'm sure there are people that have been placed in your life to meet and interact with sometime in your years here on earth, but a soulmate? Not sure. In a way it seems like it is one of the last of the fairytales that you have to give up now or later...not everyone lives happily ever after. Not everyone has another 'half' (and what does that mean anyway? Does that mean that because I'm single, I am not complete or whole? That I am broken and the only way to be complete is to be in a relationship with someone else?). Like I said, and like I am saying again, it is a nice thought to have - that somewhere out there in the world, there is a soulmate out there for everyone. Someone you're destined to meet and just feel perfect with. But in reality it seems like something out of a fairytale like a missing glass slipper, a magical kiss, Santa Claus or the toothfairy and something that you hasve to let go.
( Don't Want No Bad Romance...Warning: Long and Longwinded (haha, redundant much?) but Possibly Inciteful?
IDK TBH )
current mood: [---Contemplative---]
current music: "Head On Collision" by New Found Glory
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Thursday, December 3rd, 2009
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7:23 pm - I'm Just here for the Gif
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Tuesday, December 1st, 2009
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1:48 am - But You're Barely Scraping By...
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I'm convinced that late night is horrible for me, I tend to think too much or watch things that remind me of other things that I cannot control. And really it just makes me feel helpless and absolutely lost and depressed. I feel so alone late at night and I just feel like there's nobody that ever gives a second thought to my existence and ugh, I'm ending this now and hopefully going to pass out before I fabricate lies that I'll make myself believe. Goodnight little journal.
I hate how honest I am with you [this journal].
current mood: [---Sad---]
current music: "The Places You have come to Fear the Most" by Dashboard Confessional
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Sunday, November 29th, 2009
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12:03 am - Review of 'Echo'
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OK, so I'm listening to Leona Lewis' second album Echo and let me say I am loving, loving this new album. Although it hasn't been doing that well with its debut on the USA charts last week, I am absolutely loving it. It is a lot more uptempo and adult-pop feel to it and its'just amazing...I'm on track 05 ("You Don't Care") and I have yet to pause it or skip a track yet. Which is saying a lot since I have yet to listen to Spirit from beginning to end and I adore this woman ever since I saw the (British) music video version of "Bleeding Love". She seems like she's actually...dare I say it, actually comfortable with the material in this album even though it's not all ballads or as ballad-heavy. Because let's be honest...as much as I liked "Misses Glass" and "Forgive Me" off of the American version of Spirit it was clearly forced on her and she didn't seem comfortable on either of those songs. Will edit this later after I finish listening to the album.
Live blogging thoughts:
"Brave" - too dramatic, slowpaced, something idk, just not good; "Outta my Head" is good, good, good. "Alive" is beautiful and my otp gorgeous and amazing, showcase; makes "My Hands" seem like a downgrade. "Fly Here Now" is the stuff a movie-soundtrack is made out of. "Broken"...might like it if I'm ~in da mood~ but right now too epic/melodramtic/etc. That's enough, Leona Lewis. Skip Ryan Tedder, OneRepublic and "Lost and Found"...oh I forgot there was another song because it isn't one another track than that "Lost and Found" crap. This is starting out good...OMG this is a highlight..."Stone Hearts and Hand Gernades" for the winn.
OK lovelies (or whoever reads this lil blog of mine) here's the gist.
I like how they split the album into two concise halves - one uptempo and pop-friendly while the later half is more of what she does best, which is the ballads...this is ideal. She seems confident, and more importantly, comfortable singing the uptempo numbers which is a lot considering the numbers I mentioned previously found on Spirit. There are some what I would call 'filler' ballads that are just way too dramatic and unecessary but wow, overall this album is such an upgrade from her debut. Makes me kinda wanna buy the import to see what was cut from the British version.
Love: "I Got You", "Can't Breathe","You Don't Care", "Alive", "Stone Hearts and Hand Grenades"
Solid: "My Hands", "Love Letter", "Outta my Head", "Happy", "Don't Let Me Down"
Skip: "Fly Here Now", "Broken", "Lost and Found", "Brave"
current mood: [---Impressed---]
current music: "You Don't Care" by Leona Lewis
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Saturday, November 28th, 2009
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10:04 pm - Raise a Glass to Mend, All the Broken Hearts of all My Wrecked up Friends
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Life is going good.
Went with Tyler F. to go see Brand New at the Sonar center in Baltimore a few weeks ago and they were absolutely stupendous and wonderful like every time that I have seen Mr. Jesse Lacey and his bandmate. I remember how stifled I was when I saw them previously at JHU and decided to make a concerted effort to not hold myself back. So I kinda bobbed more like a lil white prep and shouted the lyrics a lot...even though I didn't recognize a lot of the songs until they hit the chorus and bridges but they were fucking fantastic.
Work has decided to place me in the back to do work on the upcoming week's ad and so naturally I've been getting a lil stir crazy and rebelling a little bit. And by rebelling I mean bringing in my iHome and playing playlists off of my iPod. Whateverz...I'm kinda being devious for no good reason because they've essientially told me that I don't have to work evenings or close anytime within the next month, which is something that's actually kinda nice tbh.
Grace B. and her family came over to celebrate Thanksgiving with us, as per usual with an extra guest - her son, who she gave birth to back on August 25, 2009; Isaiah. I can honestly say that this lil dude is absolutely adorable and that's coming from a guy who has found very few babies intersting or cute. He's so lucky, although I am beginning to believe what the majority on ONTD have come to conclude that ~ swirl ~ babies are absolutely gorgeous (Grace is I think is mixed and the father of Isaiah is white). They are so, so cute.
I am loving the new fall music:
Lady Gaga's The Fame Monster is absolutely genius and I am replaying a lot of the tracks ("Dance in the Dark", "Bad Romance", "Telephone" and "Speechless" ♥). Haha the other four are kinda weird/odd/too Gaga eccentric for me...I mean parts of "Dance in the Dark" when she's doing the roll call are kinda odd/off but I can overlook it/skip that part of the song.
Rihanna's Rated R is so refreshing and raw and I like it like I have loved P!nk's similarly-intimate album she brought forth to us last fall, Funhouse although Rated R is obviously crafted /commercialized more than the raw genuiness found in P!nk's album. Nevertheless I cannot stop replaying a few songs ("Firebomb" ♥, "Wait Your Turn", "Hard", Cold Case Love" and "Rock Star 101") although sometimes the attempt to remain commercially successful/appealing ruin the flow of the album beginning to end. Still love, love this album and the edge brought to it.
Shakira's She Wolf is...good enough. "She Wolf", "Did it Again" and "Give it Up to Me" are my highlights and favorites off this so-so album. I mean it's nice to hear in the background but as far as forming any sense of opinion on these songs...shit she might as well made a spanish album. The lyrics are embarassing if you actually listen to them; if you just listen to it as a background noise they sound decent and nice enough. "Gypsy" is growing on me thanks to the bonus live version added at the end of the album, but yeah nothing really noteworthy/amazing really.
Uhm I have the new Leona Lewis, John Mayer', OneRepublic , Kris Allen, Carrie Underwood albums to check out. I've listened to all of them halfheartedly while I was busy doing other things but haven't really listen listened to them yet but I'm so, so excited to hear them and check them out more in depth.
current mood: [---Content---]
current music: "Speechless" by Lady Gaga
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Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009
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8:40 pm - What Do You Say to Jumping off the Edge?
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Ugh I really need to start taking chances even if they scare the shit out of me; that's the only way I'll ever grow and really start living. T was right in a way I guess, I always seem to find a flaw in anything new and exciting or different and its kinda lame and stupid and cowardly. It's just really really hard for me to let my guard down and try anything that's different but I guess th and I talk myself out of it. That's also why I am the way I am and no one knows me for anything but my job. Because I'm safe and square...I want to be more than that, I want to be someone that gets invited places and shit like that...I'm tired of being left out and yet I bitch and talk myself out of any chance I'm given to change. I dunno I'm frustrated and tired and just exhausted with always being this way and never seeing anything change.
current mood: [---Frustrated with Myself---]
current music: "Taking Chances" by The Glee Cast
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Saturday, October 31st, 2009
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12:31 am
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Monday, October 26th, 2009
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9:56 pm - Ask Me Why and I Will Give the Reasons My Love will not Fade
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Ugh, ugh...I need something new in my life these days, like I'm not sure what exactly but just something to bring some excitement to my life. Like somebody to crush on; or something musical to look forward towards or find some kind of activity to be passionate about. I just don't know what it is exactly but I just need...something. I think that I'll start working on a new mixtape playlist or something because right now everything else is a financial disappointment/wasteland and I can't rely on my natural tendancy or urge to go out and buy something for a etmprorary fix.
current mood: [---Bored Now---]
current music: "Stuck on Repeat" by Little Boots // "Fire and Rain" by Mat Kearny
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Friday, October 16th, 2009
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10:04 pm
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I am tired of being depressed. I want to be happy. I want something good to happen in my life.
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, October 13th, 2009
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11:34 pm
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Saw this on a post at ONTD and found it deolightfully amazing and romantic but have no clue where its from...if anyone knows I'd be grateful:
I could be martyr'd for my Religion
Love is my religion
I could die for that
I could die for you
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(comment on this)
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10:31 pm - Someone Come and Save my Life...
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I have got no one and nobody...I mean I know I was ridiculous but I keep wishing I had someone that would walk into my life; and make everything all better. I wish there was just some spell or something and that a friend I haven't seen in ages or something came out of nowhere and wiped all my thoughts and fears away.
current music: "Sleeping Sickness" by City and Colour ft. Gordon Downie
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Saturday, October 10th, 2009
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11:21 pm - So Say Goodbye to Love and hold your head up high...
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I have such a pessimistic attitude and yet strangely I expect the best in everyone and get extremely upset when that isn't the case in reality. You'd think that by now, I'd known better, that I would have learned better by now.
OMG I cannot stop listening to this song...
current mood: [---The Fool---]
current music: "Waiting..." by City and Colour
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(comment on this)
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Monday, October 5th, 2009
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12:03 am
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Sometimes...okay, lately a lot of times, I wish I could be like Tom Sawyer in the attic of the church during his own funeral. It would probably help a lot.
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, October 4th, 2009
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2:59 am
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one last random thought/reflection:
i had so many ideas of where i would be or what i would be doing with my life by the age of twentyfive and it sucks to see that as i've grown older i've settled and dreamt for less and less and still havent reached any of my thuoghts and goals. and i cant even say that the journey i've taken to get where i am today has been fun or enjoyable. but im still here. heh.
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2:55 am - until you know where you belong, you'll dream of what you never had
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I still have hope...I know my entries have been overall, pretty depressing lately. And I am depressed, and getting sadder and more pessimistic and crying more every day but I haven't let go of a hope that things will get better. And idk if any of the people I come across on a daily basis ever read this little journal of mine, but if you do, you may be really confused because I come across as pretty normal or even happy and in a good mood. But it's all an act...its easier and more comfortable for me to act normal or happy than to be truly miserable and letting others see a vulnerability in me. I hate being weak, and I hate fake or socially acceptable/polite sympathy. idk I'm just lost and I have no one to turn to...I always try so hard to be normal and happy but rarely am; there are just too many problems in my life and I'm a mess.
But I just wanted everyone to know that despite everything, I still have hope and an expectation that things might eventually get better. I'm not sure how or why but I'm not entirely depressed/fallen into a pit of dispair yet. Haha idk I'm thinking so many things at the same time and aren't able to write or verbalize any of it into words. Hopefully I'll pass out soon...this is weird.
I still havent seemed to learn the lesson not to trust everyone I come across.
I'm not sure why but girls are the ones that always hurt me the most with the whole trust thing. They break me and hurt me the most and leave me the most devestated. Most of the guys I've trusted havent let me down and have been amazing...and even those guys I shouldnt have trusted their betrayal hasn't hurt me or impacted me as much (i think).
This is a weird weird entry.
Life is weird.
Wow, my life sucks right now. I'm failing on all accounts.
This has always been my nightmere and now its reality.
Haha how melodramatic. I dont even know why I typed it bc I knew how corny it was as I was typing it. But I still did. But its true...my life is one big pile of shit and I have nothing to be proud of. I fail at everything. And this has always been my biggest fear.
Does it make sense that I wish I was dead; and at the same time I wish that I don't die?
IDK this is weird this is weird this is weird.
current music: "september, baby" by joseph arthur
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Tuesday, September 29th, 2009
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11:26 pm - If I Only Could, Make a Deal with God...
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Sometimes I just get so scared that I'll never make another friend in my life; that the ones that I have are all that I will ever have and after each of them are gone I'll be all alone. There are so many aspects of friendships and relationships that I have never experienced and that I feel that I'll ever experience. It's so easy to ignore what's right there in front of your eyes and I am realizing how truly alone I am. And it scares me. I don't get it. What stops other people from caring about me? What stops people from getting to know me more? From getting close to me? Is there something seriously wrong with me?
current mood: [---Sad, Hurt---]
current music: "Running up that Hill" by Placebo
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Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009
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5:48 am - Well You Can Try, But I Found the Antidote, Music is the Cure
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Usually by now, something has happend or an ephihany comes to me by now so I can finally get some rest...well, hopefully I'll be able to get some rest without making any insight to my dilemma. My dilemma called life haha how corny.
current music: "Remedy" by Little Boots
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Sunday, September 20th, 2009
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11:46 pm - Maybe I'm the Joker, Maybe I'm the Fool in your Eyes, Maybe I'm the Weak One...
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OK, so really I know that somehow this must not be healthy at all, but it doesn't stop me for thinking this way but I thought thast I'd write it down and record it. The past year or two I have come across the idea that I am going to die young because everything in my life seems to go wrong - I do not seem to be made to function and grow and be successful in this world and have become convinced that through God's mercy I will be deceased by the time I hit the age of thirty. It's weird, because it goes further than that and it's now become something that I have accepted as fact. To the point in which if I do happen to live past the age of thirty, I will likely fall into a deep depression due to the disappointment of not dying. Like I said, I know this is weird and unhealthy but I can't control the way I think or the thoughts thast I think about this subject. It's like it's a comfort or something that everything will be all over within the next four, five years and it's something that I've become at peace with.
Like, the lack of a social life; the lack of a career; the lack of my mental and physical health; the lack of money; the lack of anything and everything is OK because it will only be for a little bit longer. I don't know...this is how I feel and like I said it doesn't make any sense to me and I'm not sure why it was so relevant and important for me to write and record this but yeah, there it is. IDK.
current music: "If You're Gonna Leave" by Emerson Hart
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Saturday, September 19th, 2009
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10:21 pm - I Wanna Take You Out Tonight...
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Someone on my friends' page just posted a link to download "(500) Days of Summer" and you have no idea how hard I'm trying to resist downloading it...I really, really hope that it comes out before the end of the year so I can get it for Christmas on blu-ray. =-x
Also uhm, hi why didn't anybody tell me that Little Boots is the next big thing and how freakin amazing she is? I really like her and I hope she blows up here in the USA but not so much that she develops an annoying complex like Lady Gaga. I forgot who mentioned her to me but I was bored tonight so I decided to youtube her and found this channel that had some pretty cool fan-made youtube videos and kinda fell in love (with both the music and the movies used in the footage). Maybe I just want her to be an under the raydar hit in the states like Goldfrapp. I'm not sure.
'Jennifer's Body' is a really good movie, totally not what I was expecting Diablo Cody but it was still a pretty satisfactory and all. I liked the joke she threw in there about the indie band and how they were all like..."do you know what it takes these days for an indie band to make it big?" mwhaha. ♥
This is a lame 'update'. Soon I think, I'm still thinking about stuff.
OK, thanks, bye.
current mood: [---Scattered, Thinking---]
current music: "New in Town" by Little Boots
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Thursday, September 10th, 2009
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12:43 am
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Somedays I think I am extremely blessed and then there are other days I feel as if I am the exact opposite and extremely cursed. Logic says that I am like everyone else and somewhere in the middle but it doesn't feel like that...its always feeling one extreme or the other. IDK.
current music: "Rolls So Deep" by Aqualung
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Saturday, September 5th, 2009
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1:51 am - I'm Losing Everyone and I've Come Undone, Nothing Lasts Forever...
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Oh and totally IDK but it seemed important to have this lil tidbit written in stone too:
If I had a way to be less self subconcious and better self esteem I wouldn't hesitate on having my own youtube channel and doing that for a hobby. I love finding awesome youtube channels to subscribe to and it would be amazing to have some public forum to just totally be uninhibited on. I wish I could learn how to edit film and make cool videos too, I'm jealous of 'bw fletcher' and his madd crazy skills.
current music: "Summer Town" by Third Eye Blind
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1:21 am - Cause if You Go I Go, Cause if You Go I Go...
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So I realize that I haven't really written anything significant or of substance in awhile and I have been meaning to change this for the longest time...but alas nothing has come to me. I'm still working at the same place I've been working at for about three years or so, lovely Target, and have been pretty happy with it. Wait...see, there that's a lie. Kinda. For the past few months I've been feeling a little depressed about my life jobwise, but I couldn't put it into words until tonight when I had dinner with my parents. It's like this. I enjoy my job - I enjoy it a whole lot and if it weren't for the fact that as we get older expenses mount up, I would be extremely satisfied with it. I like the people I work with, and the work that I do. It's just this like subconcious fear in the back of my mind that this is it. As good as things get for me from a careerwise perspective which is confusing because I like working at Target, I just don't like thinking this is the only place I could get a job.
Well, I recently took a really big risk. Well I guess maybe just a big risk in my view considering I am constantly suffering from poor self-esteem and am extremely self concious and hate putting myself out there. There was a promotion that opened up on the salesfloor and I decided to go ahead and go for it; deciding that it was worth a shot seeing as it would be extra money and I was really indifferent on getting the job. That train of thought was working out perfectly until about the second interview in when I guess I personalized it (just like so many other things in my life) and realized that this job actually would be perfect for me. I realized that I really did want the job and that changed my whole perspective and approach at getting the job. And in the end it hurts, because I'm pretty sure I bombed the third and final interview and it hurts because it's now something of worth; and I cannot just look at it as just something that I was doing to get the learning experience from. There's still like a slim 10% chance I got the job but I would be really shocked and surprised if I did since so many signs point otherwise.
I am wondering if I may have unintentionally sabotaged myself in that third interview for the job because change has always been something that's been hard for me to deal with. I don't know. I mean I remember thinking how scary it would be to get the promotion but I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't even know where this entry is going or headed...ugh, this is very choppy writing but it feels significant and like it should be written down and recorded all the same. IDK. Maybe I should make this a private entry, but for now I'll keep it public. Since I have no idea where this journal entry was headed anyways I guess maybe now is as good as any to end it. Goodnight.
current mood: [---Clusterfuck---]
current music: "Talk You Down" by The Script
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Sunday, August 23rd, 2009
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12:18 am - A Great Dog
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So, this morning we put our dog to sleep...our little princess Belle Belle.
She's had issues with her kidneys all of her life, ever since she was a puppy. In fact, something my parents didn't share with me until now, was the fact that she was a fighter because the vet didn't think that she'd live to be 5 years old and she made it almost to her 12th birthday (she would have turned 12 on Christmas so kinda almost to her twelfth birthday). We picked her up from the vets on Friday the 14th after we got home from Maine. She hadn't been eating anything and skipped her meals - something that she never does, she scarfs down everything. We thought at first that it might be because she was upset that we left her and wasn't eating to punish us but by Thursday we decided to take her in because she was getting really skinny as she wouldnt eat anything and that's when we got the news. Her kidneys were shutting down and she was dying. I found out Friday morning and I was just a big ball of mess because the vet said that as the kidneys continued to fail that it would be very painful for her. We called Tim and we just spent all of Friday basically saying our goodbyes and making peace with the decision to put her to sleep.
I already miss her. How when my door is closed she would try and nudge the door open with her nose - I still have her nose marks on the outside of the door and I'll miss just randomly hearing my door being banged on when she would try to come in. I'll miss how she camped out outside my room between my room and mom's office and how her eyes would light up and her ears perk up everytime I came out of my room. Or how everytime I opened a new box of soap how I'd have to close the door to my bathroom because she loved chewing on the empty boxes of soap; or if she was lucky the soap itself. ♥ Those are just a few of the things that she did but those are first onews that come to mind. I love you Belle Belle, and I already miss you so much. Rest in peace baby.
current mood: [---Nostalgic, Sad---]
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Friday, August 21st, 2009
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4:08 am - Cause I Need You, Can't You See that I Need You?
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Vacation was absolutely amazing and gorgeous. ♥
Even if it did remind me of how lonely and alone I truly am.
Or how quickly I try to believe something, anything else if the words coming out make me feel better no matter how temprorarily. All anyone has to say is that something is the truth and I'm the most gullible kid ever, I believe anything that comes out of people's mouths. The words never recquire an action behind it. It's really kinda sad and depressing when you think about it.
It's funny how I'm addicted to things that both help and hurt me at the same time. Fuckk.
current music: "I Don't Wanna Wait" by the Veronicas
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Tuesday, July 28th, 2009
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1:47 am - I Guess We're all One Phone Call from Our Knees....
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Is there a cut off date for starting over/starting fresh?
I have a feeling that this is something I desperately have to do someway somehow to be a happier and more successful person but IDK how or what to do, to do so. Even typing that right now I know that is a complete lie and bullshit and the thought of starting over and abandoning everything (or almost everything) I have become accustomed to would be horrifying. I'm scared shitless, really if I'm honest with myself, with what I would have to do...the only question is whether I'll let that fear paralyze me or move forward with my life. Someone once said that being grown up is making your own decisions and following through on them without the gaurenteed support of anyone else.
Better late than never, right?
Let's hope that I don't chicken out. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, I have a lot of changes and decisions to make in the next few weeks/months.
current mood: [--Scared but Determined---]
current music: "Closer to Love" by Mat Kearney
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