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Tuesday, March 22nd, 2011
OK, so I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but it's my journal and as per usual, I'll write down and record what I'm feeling. My birthday is now less than two weeks away and I'm dreading it the closer and closer the date gets here because really, there's nothing to celebrate. I won't get any phone calls aside from my brother and sister and possibly my uncle and I'll get a couple texts...of facebook letting me know that people have politely wished me a happy birthday on my wall, but yeah. I didn't even bother to take off for my birthday and right now I'm really concerned that I won't be scheduled to work on that Sunday (lately I have been given off the next few Sundays which is nice but will be feeling super awkward if I pick up a shift on one of my days off which is also my birthday). Usually I like working on my birthday because it keeps me busy and around other people instead of chilling by myself at a movie or taking myself out for a table of one for a celabratory birthday meal.
I really don't have anything to celebrate, really. The longer I live, the more I see that I didn't accomplish, the more I see people and friends come and go...no one ever really permanately stays, some just leave at a slower pace than the majority. There's not much to live for, other than my family and even then that's just four individuals and in a lot of ways their lives would be easier or better without me in it. It's sad how easily people can just toss me out of their life with no problem. And it's sad how long it takes me to realize that they just don't care - usually after a few weeks or months of talking to their voice mailboxes making up my own excuses why they hadn't returned any of my calls yet. People just quit me and drop me cold turkey and sometimes even go to the extreme of blocking me from their social networking sites without ever giving a reason or explanation.
I have no one.
I have nothing.
I've accomplished nothing, I am nothing.
Birthdays just highlight ths fact.
Its funny because usually I can deal weith my independence/loner status pretty well but during the time around my birthday time I just feel this immense loneliness and sadness. It's one of the few times throughout the year that my lack of friendships and lack of achievement hurt me the most. I feel so alone and worthless and, and yeah. Current Mood: too much