I've never understood how to simply let go of things...that has constantly been one of the things that I have yet to have shaken off and learn how to do. I'm sure that it's hard for everyone and not as easy as others claim it is to do, but I really, really have a hard time to let go of things. Events, people, places that have all passed and are no longer around or crucial to my everyday day to day activities. I mean I've heard people say that they just weren't meant to be friends with so and so, and they drifted apart, and it just wasn't meant to be or whatever. I can't seem to grasp this. It's ironic because I am at times suicidal, but I have this whole thing where I value life - other people's, not necessarily mine - and place an importance and stress at it that I don't understand how others could treat any life so rash, careless or carefree.
I'm a walking, talking, living hypocrit by writing this because while I am typing this and am disgusted by the way others can be so brash and careless with the lives of others around them, I do the same thing. I am horrible at keeping in touch with those I do not see on a daily or semiregular basis. I am horrible at calling those that live across the country, across state lines, etc and never know how or when or where I'll pick up a line of communication with others. People that mean the absolute world to me and that I hold dear and important to my life may never know their importance in my life because I can't seem to pick up the phone, or sit and write a email here or there because I am like paralyzed with the fears and concerns of the "what if"s.
That being said, I still cannot wrap myself around the idea of people suddenly stop being friends, or to end a relationship or friendship and have no reprecussions for doing so. I remember everybody, and everything that I know about that person. Bring up somebody that I haven't seen in ten years and I can still recall their birthdays, their hopes, dreams, or whatever else we may have shared in the times and conversations we spent together. I can recall memories like they were just yesterday and am constantly, forever thinking about this person or that person that I no longer have contact with or haven't seen in years. I'm forever haunted and plagued with the thoughts and memories I associate with this person or that person.
I'm not sure where I was going with these observations I'm making, I just know that it's something that I have yet to share within this little journal (sometime this week will mark my seventh anniversary on this lil thing, crazyy) and thought that this would be good to have written down somplace. I've now completely lost my train of thought, but I think that I got my main points across. I'll leave you with two of my favorite quotes that neatly sum up my thoughts tonight and myself as a person too...the quote from Before Sunset was about romantic relationships I think (full disclosure: have not seen this movie before but have always been awed by this quote from it) but it relates how I feel about everyone I come into contact with and form any sort of friendship with; however small or fractured it might be. The only difference is the fact that I seem to be really idiotic or thick because I tend not to be careful with those I get involved with, I am pretty much open to everyone I come into contact with - call that foolish or optimistic, either way it is what it is. I get hurt by it, and even though I get hurt by others, I think that I really hope to always believe the best in everyone, as stupid and foolish that sounds. It makes life worth living I think. IDK. This song is fucking gorgeous. Goodnight.
I like too many things & get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.
- Jack Kerouac
I mean, I always feel like a freak because I'm never able to move on like, this...you can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost. Each relationship, when it ends, really damages me. I haven't fully recovered. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved, because, it hurts too much! I see in them little details, so specific to each other, that move me, and that I miss, and will always miss. You can never replace anyone, because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details.
- "Before Sunset"