Mighty Jo Young (jothelion84) wrote,
Mighty Jo Young
jothelion84

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Thoughts

So last night I had one of those bittersweet dreams where I enjoyed it in the moment, but even then it wasn't as good as it could have possibly been. I had a dream that I was like at a concert and/or weekend conference thing that was being held in some stadium and I entered and saw some people a few rows down that I hadn't seen in the longest time. In my dream I debated within myself whether or not I should go down and say hello...I saw that one of them, a she, was busy with a few friends and I didn't want to disturb them. I eventually went down and said hello and got a hug, but she urged me that unfortunately she had to go catch a flight but was really glad that she had seen me. The other particular person I decided to say hello to wasn't as enthusiastic to see me, but was cordial enough and let me know what was going on with his life and career at the moment but as he was only being cordial to me, didn't really go into any length or depth as to what he was up to these days.

It's sad, when you think about it - even in my dreams I don't have anybody to hang out with. I'm usually calm and at strangely at peace with the solitary life that I live, where my interaction with others is rare and sporadic. But lately I've been longing for the company of others, I've been longing for some companionship and really am sad that I don't have any close friendships at all - truly atmost I have several work aqauintinces but that's it. I know that once they quit, or I quit a place, my chances of seeing them outside of a workplace environment are slim to none...I've never been the kind of person invited to out of work activities, in fact I'm usually the one excluded. And usually that's been OK with me, but lately I wish I had someone - anyone - that could just be there for me and it's really hurting me that I have nothing, and no one.

If I were to be completely honest with you, I'm not certain why I am still alive at all. I'm not that bright, others will be kind and say that I'm smart or not dumb, but I know the truth. I have the failed classes and grades that I've earned from previous courses and classes. I don't have anyone except my long suffering immediate family of four (two amazing parents and one brother and one sister) and even then, I'm not that close with any of them, I tend to keep them at a distance. :-/ I don't have any friends or anybody that I do stuff with; or anyone that I could call when I've been thinking too much and need someone to bounce ideas off of. I work a deadend job where I have no prospects of advancing and efforts to seek employment elsewhere haven't resulted in anything. I have nothing to brag about being talented at, and I have been diagnosed with several mental disorders and take a fistful of pills a night in order to function day to day.

A lot of times I think that I was just this big dumb mistake that somehow inexplainably slipped through when God was creating and populating the world. At this point, the only thing that stops me from taking my own life is the fear of the hereafter and not knowing what direction I would head afterwards. I feel like I'm living for everyone but me...for the sake of my family, really because they're the only ones who would really be affected by my death. I was thinking about it, and even if I were to die it isn't like many people would know - coworkers and then who knows who else? It isn't like there's anyone I call or talk to on the phone. It isn't like there's anyone that I hang out with or see, or really talk to online via AIM or Facebook or whatever...most people wouldn't know, and wouldn't find out until many months after the fact. IDK this is a very weird post...gooodnight.
Tags: friendships & relationships, genuineness, growing older, jo uncensored, love and life
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