I haven't done a single thing today on my day off, and yet it has been a fantastic, beautiful day simply for the fact of my dreams. A lot of times people say that your dreams speak a lot about what's going on in your life (or rather, what is not) as they are a lot of your subconcious thoughts. Well, it definitely speaks a lot about what is not happening in my life right now. I spent a majority of the day asleep dreaming and it really was a lot of dreams that I really, really didn't want to ever come into an end. In the dreams I found something I haven't had in awhile, well two things really, but the main one was friends. The dreams were vivid and realistic and more importantly, I felt like it was something that was attainable. I felt a love, acceptance and warmth that I haven't felt in the longest time and there were people that wanted to be around me spending their free time with me, wanted me to have some kind of happiness and actually cared about me. I honestly haven't felt that way in the longest time, and it makes me sad and frustrated that in reality despite all of my attempts to make friends, or keep them, I have failed time after time again.
I wrote somebody a letter saying that I'm not sure why or how, but I cannot seem to make and maintain friendships with anybody. I think that it might be more of a maintaince thing to be honest. I have lost so many people that I had come to like or begin to trust that I've lost count with them all...I wish there was a way that people could tell me what I'm doing wrong, without hurting myself even further. It seems like I'll meet someone and get to know them, and then after a while I'll confide in them. Shortly after confiding in them they'll stop returning phone calls or text messages and then before I know it we haven't talked in three, four months and then those months turn into years and I'm forever scarred and wondering why someone who was once compassionate and understanding gave up on me. It'd be different if I had other friends that I could reference to or look towards when one friendship breaks up but the problem is, I do not have anybody that has beat the curb. I am constantly looking for what I have done wrong.
When I lose friendship - no matter how intimate or lengthly - it haunts me, a lot and makes me wonder what I did or didn't do. It has made me - for all the resistence and effort I have put up not to let it do so - a more cynical and pessimistic person...it's funny, in a lot of ways I'm still a very private individual but than there are things that I have no shame of divulging and sharing with strangers as common knowledge. A lot of my personal struggles and experiences I have no problem or shame with letting others know about - however it only goes so far as I very rarely explain the reasons or events that to this experience, or that one. I always feel incomplete and falling into a million pieces when I lose a friendship and it gets at my self confidence (which isn't exactly a good thing for someone who is slightly obsessive-compulsive). I always place the blame for the dissolution of a friendship on me, it had to be something that I did or didn't do, it had to be some way that I fell short of perfect in some way.
I've lived this way all of my life and at times you wouldn't have guessed it, as I seem to be incredibly resilient and sociable. To some I come off as a normal everyday kid who isn't any different than anyone else, but yeah socializing and carrying on a conversation is at times very, very rough and hard for me. I think part of the problem is the fact that I have grown to come across pretty guarded and composed and than every now and then I find someone with a compassionate ear and they are willing to give me a chance and feeling relieved I overload them with everything I've been holding back for so long and it's too much for them to deal with.
It hurts though, when they do stop responding to social networking systems, text messages, phone calls, etc. and then typically lately it seems that they go the extra step and block me from their lives completely. I guess I know that I shouldn't take it so personally but I do. The fact that they couldn't bare to have me acknowledged anywhere around their existence. It makes me that much less hopeful that there are people out there that could be friends I just haven't met yet, people that will accept me for who I am, and want me to be around and be around me. Unfortunately I have a pretty expansive memory and I remember every fact, every single thing that former friends have said and done, and so there are tiny things that constantly come up and remind me of this person, or that person. I'm really not ever to feel like I'm over any friendship because there are all these things that bring them back into the forefront of my life and I remember all the good in them; and wonder why or how I wasn't good enough, to be in their existence.
I've been thinking about it and there have been a bunch of people I thought I could trust and open up and I was wrong; the main ones that I can think of that I've lost are Melissa S., Drew B., Parker D., Monica E., Jenn H., Rach J., Tyler Mc., Tyler F.S., and then Monica E.M. again. Arg, goodnight I won't even get into the second thing I dreamt of that I'm missing in my life right now this has been more than enough.