In a little over a year, my twenties will be over and it makes me so sad, for a lot of reasons. Growing up you're told the sky is the limit, and anything is possible and it's only later as you grow older that you realize that it was another one of those fairytales you grew up with. I had so many dreams and aspirations about what my future would be like. I didn't anticipate the failure to even make it all the way through high school; or failing at practically everything else I tried to since than. I didn't anticipate that my life would be working one medial job to the next, or being completely devoid of any friendships or support outside of family members. I didn't anticpate still being dependent on my parents at this late of age; or to have never found someone to call my own, my other half, even for the shortest amount of time.
I've felt like I've never fit in, and the longer I live the more and more I think that I was a mistake that somehow was overlooked or a failure of oversight. I take a cocktail of ten to fiften pills a day that help me get by day to day, all the while knowing that as I grow older the number of pills will likely grow to larger and larger amounts. All the while, I can't help but think that by taking all thse medications over the past thirteen, fourteen years yes they have kept me alive and kept me going on from day to day but at what cost? I can't help but think that they have affected the development (or rather the lack of development) of my personality and individualization. Even with those that I am most comfortable around I find it extremey difficult to lose my inhibitions and be truly genuine and free and only after an extended amount of time am I able to relax and just be able to live 'in the moment'. I can only express how I feel, but a lot of the time I feel muted and suppressed but I can never be certain because after thirteen or fourteen years who can say without any certainty at all whether I'm being muted/suppressed or just being my semblence of normalcy?
At what cost will it continue to be worth it to continue life? I'm already nearly friendless with only immediate family as support, and already take ten to fifteen pills a day. Will the cost outwiegh the rewards after I surpass twenty pills a day? After my parents' medical bills esculate as they begin to deterioriate from old age, and aren't able to financially support my needs anymore due to their own needs? Or will it be ongoing as the daily pill counts continue to increase and my financial burdens shift from the responsibility of my parents onto my siblings? Or onto my sibling's children, even? When is it, will it be time to cut the cord per se, and call it a day? When will enough be enough?!
When I was younger, I used to think that anything is possible but nowadays I'm not so certain anymore. I've seen those things close and familiar to me end and where I used to see new beginnings, I just see things that are certain to end all in a definite matter of time. I kind of see everything that I begin as something that has a set end date that is far too short and closed-ended with no chance for growth, or for to carry over or to evolve. Nothing is permanent. Nothing is sacred. Everything is what it is and nothing can change that.
And to be honest, I'm tired of burdeoning others with all of this. I know it's a heavy burden to lift and carry, as can be said by those who have spent time to listen for periods of time (weeks, months, and even in rare occurances years). Sooner or later it's too heavy of a burden and for the good and wellbeing of themselves they cut me off - I have been defriended, blocked, banned and cut off from several people's lives and as hurtful as it is I understand it and don't hold any ill will against any of them. One of my former friends said that it was just too much to shoulder and support and it was bringing them down and souring their own personal lives in the process. And I understand it - although I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt when I discover one or more of my former friends has come into town for the holidays, or for a visit, or even to move back and has made efforts to keep me unaware of this information.
It's kind of sad, because like I said earlier in the beginning of this entry this isn't at all what I had envisioned when I thought about how my twenties would be. I may have had some thoughts of granduer that weren't feasible seeing as I was basing some of it off the movies and television shows I grew up with and continue to use to distract myself with, but even the most realistic elements of what I envisioned haven't come to form. Like I said, I've never had a romantic relationship and to be honest now I'm sure that I never will - seeing as I fail to even create and maintain friends, how could I ever possibly have something more? I'm a broken boy of a man, and to be honest every day I'm kind of wondering if this might be the day that things come to an end finally and I might find some peace. And in finding peace with the finite ending to my own life, possibly extending and gifting those few that have remained loyal and dependent a gift of peace of finally being able to let go and lose the burdeon I have had them carry over time.
Wow, this is drab but it's the way that I think, have thought but I think this is the most atriculate way I've ever written it down in words before. No need for comments, just some verbal therapy for me although if you have read this all the way through, I thank you. Your kindness and concern mean a lot, and may God grace you with peace and love.